Hell No!

Hey y’all, how’s tricks this week? Hopefully everyone has had a relatively uneventful weekend and is powering into a productive week! Our weekend went without too much drama… got followed and waited for by the police Saturday night and apparently hit a pole outside McDonalds while waiting for my drive through food, I was at least 3 foot away from said pole and parking sensors don’t lie! At 1am I suppose they’re just doing their job! I offered to breathe into a breathalizer (unless sparkling Ballygowan is now laced with alcohol because I would have been sooooo over the limit if it is!) but they went on their way… very odd!

And yesterday I got a fabric delivery… red and green satin, red and green sequin fabric, red and green tulle and oooh..the silver paisley! So much pretty….and guess who is already prepping for the Big C! I cannot believe that I’m one of those people this year! I’m just back from coffee with mum (vegan coffee and vegan choooocolate fudge cake… heaven has been found people!!), afterwards we went into a craft/book store and holy crap! The first thing you see is all the Christmas stationary for card making and homemade baubles! Super duper crazy cute stuff…but guys… it’s freaking August, not even the last week of August…not even September…or Halloween…or Thanksgiving for all you American folks (hey y’all!) but freaking August! They had green and red ribbon to match the reams of fabric that were delivered yesterday so who the hell am I to talk!

Anyway, this blog wasn’t supposed to be about Christmas, or fabric or AMAZING vegan chocolate cake…it’s meant to be about the most important thing in my life, and everyone’s life…my hair. Yes, my hair is pretty high up there in the priorities list for me, shallow I know, but I have my reasons!

I have come to notice that so many people are so damn worried about other peoples’ opinions of them that they have locked themselves into little boxes and refuse to come out, they shy away from confrontation in case they hurt someones’ feelings, they ‘go with the flow’ and try to ‘fit in’ in absolutely every way that they can, they let people walk all over them and do you know what? They are freaking miserable.

Let me tell you a story about my past… One Halloween night we went away with some friends, I didn’t know said friends too well but knew they enjoyed drink and a good time. They were perfectly nice and welcoming and the night started alright… although nothing of the sort had been said, I felt a pressure to keep up with the alcohol consumption and a need to prove myself as an equal. Later that night, in an overcrowded bar, with lots of drunk people in fancy dress and masks, I had a panic attack. My boyfriend rushed me back to the house in a taxi as it gradually got worse and worse, took me up to our room and tried everything he could to calm me down. Panic attacks were normal for me, they were becoming more and more regular, but this was a new level of freaky. Eventually an ambulance was called and the medics finally stabilized me. For weeks I was a shaking mess, humiliated that I hadn’t been strong enough to stand my own, horrified that my poor boyfriend (we hadn’t been together very long at that stage!) had such a scary experience with me…but worst of all? I was terrified of the demons in my own head, that’s where it all starts and ends. Sure, there had been a few years of shit that had lead me up to this point but social anxiety had taken me by the horns and was throwing me around like a ping pong ball.

After I had managed to work past the fact that this had actually happened, I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. Life is a bitch. We will face hardship no matter what, there will aways be an asshole somewhere who wants to ruin your day, a shop clerk in a shitty mood who could do with a smile or a stupid driver who gives you a fright (thank god for decent driving skills!) but one thing I have learned over the past few years is that we are ALWAYS at the mercy of our own thoughts. We become what we allow to have in our lives. People treating you like crap? Well guess what honey, you are letting them do that. Friends being ass holes? You choose to keep them around. Boyfriend being a douche bag and letting you down? You can walk out, you can always walk out.

So many of my family and friends have come to me over the years for advice… shit knows why because my life is a mess half the time! But one thing I have begun to understand is the power we have over ourselves. Today I had a conversation about how in ‘todays world’ there are so many choices, it’s so much easier to be free, to be who you want to be… in some cases, sure there are more career options, travel options, women aren’t expected (as much) to just get married and pop out babies, choosing veganism or vegetarianism is more accepted and it may be ‘easier’ to follow your dreams and yet when I dye my hair and walk down main street people look at me as though I have landed from Mars.

So many people preach about ‘being yourself’ and ‘staying true to yourself’ yet when we do that we are questioned or shunned. Sure my friends think its cool, my boyfriend loves it and my family think I’m a brave crazy person but that’s because I have chosen to have people around me who accept me as me, all the mad colours, high heels, princess dresses and fairy wings combined (they also tend to keep me stocked with chocolate during stressful times!) and I accept them as my tribe. Sometimes, the colours fade weirdly, sometimes it’s a fucking disaster but my crazy hair, tattoos, funky clothes and extensive shoe collection are an outward representation of who I am. I like me, I’m flawed and fucked up and have made so many mistakes than I can’t count them, but I am me and I’m happy with that!

Now, I’m not saying that everyone should dress funky and dye their hair rainbow (although I encourage all healthy expressions of inner radiance 😉 ) but I am saying that we can choose what people we allow to play a role in our life. If someone in your close circle is out of line ask yourself ‘would I treat a friend like that?’. So often self doubt, lack of self worth, and just being too close to a situation can cloud our judgement…so this way we let our gut decide if this behaviour is ok or not. We might not always understand how we should be treated, but we always know how we treat others. If the answer is no then maybe it’s time to have a convo with the person that made you feel like crap! If it’s a regular occurance or they refuse to see why it’s wrong theeeen do you really want to have people with that kind of attitude in your life?

It’s the same with our own thoughts… if you suffer from depression, anxiety or even just having shitty days where the world can feel agaisnt you, you’ll probably find that you say some pretty shitty things to yourself. Ask yourself… would I say that to a friend? UH…hell no! They’d ditch me and tell me where to shove it! So why the bloody hell do you speak to yourself like that!

That panic attack at Halloween is probably the best thing that ever happened to me… I started to face my demons, head on. My thought processes were challenged, I started reading self help books, re-training my thoughts, focusing on the amazing things in life, showing grattitude (grattitude journals are awesome…start one! A journal just dedicated to things to be grateful for!), choosing who I allowed to influence my life, putting my energies into things that made me happy rather than things that starved my creative energies and learning how to not give a fuck.

We are here for one life and one life alone (unless your a Buddhist, in which case you will come back as a sparkling Unicorn), why the hell would we let other people control our lives?! When I die I want to know that I lived the width and breadth of my life…not just the length of it, and if that means having orange rainbow hair then so be it!

Start saying no to ass holes, ‘fuck off’ to unwelcome thoughts and practising a bit of self care. We are the most important person in our lives (it’s not selfish, it’s a fact)…because that makes us alive… otherwise we would be dead and that would not be cool! Stop giving a fuck, take control of your life, have a freaking party, do something every day that makes you happy and watch your world change baby!

Stay fabulous my friends!!

Much Love

Sonia

xx

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